Photo credit: Luke Stearns via Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

We all know how important it is to spend quality time as a family.  Time spent bonding with children is vital to helping foster a close relationship between parents, children, and siblings. No one can deny there are emotional benefits to all members involved, but how do we keep those bonds in place as children grow up and start their own independent lives?

As much as parents might dread it, kids do have to grow up; they will go to college, move out of the house, and begin lives of their own that are separate from those of the family unit.  Thought they hopefully will continue to visit or call, eventually they will have another home and that will be the center of their focus.  This is where the original family unit either must evolve, or wither.  Parents must be willing to embark on a new type of relationship with their adult children.

Accept their independence.

Parents cannot stop their children from growing up; they must choose to accept their independence or risk permanent damage to their relationships.  The rules must change; for one the parents will no longer be in charge of all the decisions.  Adult children need to feel respected as that-adults.  Adult children will want and need to be able to make their own choices.

Parents must learn to allow adult children to make those choices, as well as some inevitable mistakes.  The time for protecting them from the whole world is over, and though it is hard to let go, the “kids” will appreciate that the decisions they make are truly their own. That doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t accept advice, as long as the parents offer it without trying to control every situation.    If the parents are lucky, the kids may even realize the adults are wiser than they believed during their teenage years.

Give major decisions a voice.

Whenever a decision must be made for the family as a whole, involve adult children in the decision making process.  Whether the issue is a shared family vacation or choosing healthcare options for an elderly member who is incapacitated, the younger adults will appreciate having their opinions heard.  Perhaps they will contribute an idea or argument that older members of the family haven’t considered.  Sharing concerns, and decisions, as a family of adults, will allow those relationships to continue and be strengthened.

Cultivate shared interests.

One of the easiest ways to stay close to adult children is to spend time pleasurable time together.  The activities the family used for “quality time” when children were young may or may not still be appropriate once everyone is considered an adult, so find activities and passions that can be shared now.  Do parents and adult children share a mutual love for certain activities like hiking, working puzzles, cooking or reading?  Find things that everyone can enjoy, either for the entire group or smaller sub-groups, and make time to do those things together.

If regular meetings are difficult to schedule, at least find time to talk about hobbies or joint interests, be it over dinner once a week or a skype call.   If adult children live too far away to visit regularly make the most of the time you have.  Also, consider rotating who hosts the group for family dinners, get-togethers, and weekend trips.

Remember, maintaining a deep family relationship requires work, but is always worthwhile.

Amy

There is still much that is good in this world; it may not be readily apparent at times, in fact it may be downright obscure or completely hidden.  Truthfully there is much to be pessimistic about today-one simply needs to check out the news to see stories about recent natural disasters, not to mention ongoing terrorism, war, politics and the economy.

Most of us have probably met someone who seems to radiate negativity with every breath they take; who drains all the joy from a room just by entering. Being forced to spend much time around such an unhappy person can have adverse effects on the emotional and even physical health of their audience.

What we desperately need to retain our outlook, our optimism, and our sanity, is to seek out that which is positive around us.  By looking around for this hidden gold we can find reasons to be happy even through the most depressing or worrisome events:

• While life will never be perfect or free from stress or strife, we can be thankful for all the simple things in our life; if we wake up in the morning in a secure home, with a comfortable bed, and have food available to eat, we have found something positive in our day.
• Each day we get to spend with loved ones, be they family by blood or choice, or close friends, we are experiencing a positive event.
• Whenever we are privileged to see the power of nature, such as the amazing eclipse many of us recently witnessed, that is another positive.
• Whenever we get the chance to witness or participate in kindness shared with others, such as volunteering or charity for those in need, it is a positive thing.
• Whenever we or someone we care for is found to be healthy or recovering from a devastating injury or illness, it is a very big positive in our day.
• Every day that we can in some way enhance, enrich, or create joy in the lives of those around us, is definitely a positive accomplishment.

All of these positive things together may not always balance out the negative that we face, but they do make a difference; they give us reason to hold on and hope for the future.  Sometimes all we can do is hold on to the positives, so that all the negativity and pain and hatred do not overwhelm us.  By actively seeking out the positives in our day, we can refresh the spirit of optimism, both in ourselves and in those around us.

Here’s to filling our lives with positive thoughts, and turning those into positive actions.

Amy

It’s late at night or an unexpected day off.  We have a million things we should be doing, or we should simply be catching up on sleep.  Instead, we’re flipping through the channel guide and tuning in to something we can’t actually believe, and not sure we want to admit, to wanting to watch.  It has aliens, ghosts, sharks, zombies, or maybe just a natural disaster escalated by toxic waste.

Even as we settle in, we’re perhaps questioning ourselves why are we watching this?  Surely we could find a better use of our time, or even a just a better show.  The answer is simple: this special brand of brain candy fills needs we can’t easily do so elsewhere.

The need to recapture our lost childhood.

When we tune in to a mindless melodrama or a mockumentary about the paranormal or science fiction we are simply getting reacquainted with the people who once loved sitting around a campfire telling ghost stories, or doing the same with a best friend under the sheets with a flashlight.  We are remembering that sense of wonder we once possessed, that innocence we had, when the world was a magical place that we couldn’t wait to explore and experience.

That part of us still lives on, but is sometimes starved for attention by the needs and responsibilities of adult life.  We need to take time for the part of our minds and hearts that still dreams, and optimistically hopes to find a lost castle or pirate ship hidden in the woods behind our homes.  We crave to cultivate that sense of fantasy, and if a favorite television show or movie or book can help that along, we can make time for it.

The need for sheer escapism.

Along with the need to recapture our youth sometimes we just need to lose ourselves in another world, or another life.  We can imagine ourselves exploring alien landscapes, facing a radiation-fed super predator in the Amazon, or finding the key to a haunted house that hides a treasure.

We can indulge in sheer fantasy for a time to alleviate stress, boredom, or simply imagine ourselves as different people, in a world outside the mundane.  Experts tell us that fantasizing can actually be good for us ;that as long as we don’t try to substitute fantasy for reality in our actual lives, that “escaping” can help us to be more creative, more productive, and happier people.

The need of vicarious thrills.

It’s okay for fictional characters to experience any kind of horror as long as we can watch from the security of our couches or beds.  We know in our hearts what we’re seeing is not real, but we get an adrenalin kick just the same from allowing ourselves to live in the moment.  There is a special kind of thrill that comes from watching something bad happen to someone on the screen, and knowing in the back of our minds that though we may jump when the villain pops out and scream our heads off, that he can’t really touch us.

We watch as hapless victims are turned into test subjects or eaten alive by zombies or possessed by ghosts and are glad it’s not us.  We imagine ourselves confronted by the terrors and dangers that the heroes of the small screen face in such shows as Paranormal Encounters, or Sharknado 1-5, and suddenly our own lives don’t seem bad at all.  We feel more alive, more secure, and more content with our own lives knowing that we’ve witnessed these experiences but will not have to live them.

So the next time you find yourself with a little down time, don’t feel guilty for indulging in your favorite show.  Remember, watching may actually be good for you.

Amy

It’s hard to turn around right now without seeing another ad for the next ultimate battle between bands of costumed superheroes and their legions of foes.  With several “ultimate battle” superhero movies playing currently or coming to theatres in the near future, it makes me wonder how such a group would actually function.  Would they fall into stereotypes for an actual family?  I decided to examine one such group in terms of family dynamics.

http://www.newsweek.com/review-guardians-galaxy-vol-2-sequel-chris-pratt-zoe-saldana-marvel-589660

The team known as The Guardians of the Galaxy has appeared in two separate movies detailing their origins and exploits, and is slotted to be a part of the upcoming Avengers: Infinity Wars.  If these heroes were an actual family, we would have to call them dysfunctional.  They are drawn together out of necessity and mutual goals, but spend a great deal of time, especially in the first feature, arguing amongst themselves.  Only towards the end of the first film do they begin to resemble a team in function, much less a family.  Only as the first movie ends and the second begins, do we begin to see their clearly defined roles in the unit.

The Patriarch

This role is that of leader, not necessarily but sometimes the father-figure, and is certainly not someone who is infallible.  For all the humanity and flaws this character possesses, it is someone that the rest of the team/family can look up to for guidance and moral support.  For this family the role of patriarch is taken on by Peter Quill.

Peter is, by the end of the first Guardians movie, the undisputed leader who is tasked with deciding the direction the entire team will take going forward.  Like a wise leader, he relies on input and support from the rest of his family, but accepts ultimate responsibility for their safety and happiness.

The Matriarch

The female leader of the family may or may not be the mother of a group, but she takes on a role of protection and support, especially for younger family members.  In this family, the only candidate for matriarch is Gamora, who may or may not develop a relationship with the patriarch in her ongoing role.

Gamora from the beginning encourages the others to make the moral choice in destroying the Infinity Stone, and though she has an adversarial relationship with most of the others in the beginning, is drawn to care for each of the others.  She calls Peter on his stubbornness, Rocket on his bad manners, and Drax on his impulsiveness.  She provides the glue that slowly draws the group together.

Rival Siblings

Never in a family will every member always get along with each other.  There will always be one or more, especially siblings, who sometimes make bad decisions and cause conflict amid the group.  In the first movie, Drax impulsively tries to take on an army by himself, nearly resulting in the death of his family.  The issue is resolved though, after a lot of yelling and pointed orders to “not do that again.”

In the second movie, Rocket, in a move rooted in his inner turmoil over his existence (i.e. teen angst), manages to anger the entire rest of the group with his behavior.  In the end though, he realizes he does have a family and joins them in a bid to save themselves as well as the entire universe from the insane Ego.

Crazy Uncle

Every family needs an elder who, though not part of the core family, is integral to the wellbeing of the group.  Yondu is antagonistic towards the Guardians on principal, but despite the fact that he kidnapped the young Peter actually became a father figure to him.  While Peter stands between him and profit, Yondu cannot help but aid the younger main and his fledgling family when they are in danger. http://www.digitalspy.com/movies/guardians-of-the-galaxy/news/a829430/guardians-of-the-galaxy-vol-3-plot-depends-avengers-infinity-war-ending/

In the second movie, Yondu turns his back on his associates and organization of the Ravagers to more fully accept his role in the team dynamic of the Guardians.  He allies with them, partially out of selfish interests, but more so to save Peter’s life.

The Baby

The youngest member of the family is inevitably protected, if not outright spoiled, by the rest of the family.  This person is sometimes overlooked by the group when matters turn serious, and may have to fight to make their value known.  The “baby” of this family of course, is Groot.  His limited vocabulary notwithstanding, he is sometimes underestimated by the others for his simple nature.  However, he proves himself multiple times when it matters most, such as when he becomes a shield to save the others in the first movie.http://www.newsweek.com/review-guardians-galaxy-vol-2-sequel-chris-pratt-zoe-saldana-marvel-589660

In the second movie, he is still growing out of the effects of that incident, but despite his much smaller stature, is hardly incapable.  Despite his small stature and childlike behavior, he proves to be invaluable in getting into places beyond the reach of the rest of his family.

The main role of the family is to care about each other, to protect each other when possible, and to spend time together.  So The Guardians of the Galaxy, while they may not be the ideal family, do prove themselves to be one.

Hope you and yours enjoy the next feature film, and I’ll see you soon.

Amy